Ignore the call

I take it to the side sometimes when I am in my car and the phone rings and I have to answer it. Few ads can change it to a real experience. VW does the same. One of the good ads this year.

Why are Indians so horny?

A totally awesome finding by Jug Suraiya.. a little long but this is too good !

Is it because they are so many that they are so horny, or is it the other way round? If the men are bad, the women are worse. They're horny all the time. Right out in the open. In full public view. In the middle of the road. Go out any day, whatever the season, spring, summer, monsoon, autumn or winter. And you'll see them - or rather, hear them - going at it hammer and tongs: PEEEH! PAAA!! POOOOH!!! PEEEE!!!!

Why do Indians, all Indians who drive cars, trucks, buses, three-wheelers and two-wheelers, blow the horns of their vehicles all the time? To foreigners and other such unenlightened people it is one of the more mystifying aspects of our ancient civilisation morphed into a young, get-up-and-go nation. In foreign parts people blow their horns too, of course. They blow their horns when they want to avoid an accident by alerting another vehicle or a pedestrian who is in their path. Or they might blow their horns to attract the attention of a passing friend or acquaintance. Sometimes they blow their horns to vent their annoyance at another road-user who's transgressed driving norms or etiquette in some way. But apart from these specific applications, in other countries horns are most noticeable for their lack of use. 

In India the reverse is true. If in other countries traffic is hornless, by and large, in India horns are often trafficless. A car, or bus, or truck, or scootie is being driven down a straight, empty road. There is nothing else on the road, not even - incredibly - a stray cow or dog wandering across it. However, the person driving the car, bus, truck, scootie, whatever will have a thumb - or preferably both thumbs, two always being better than one in such cases - pressed down firmly on the horn: PEEE! PAAA!! PAAAAWW!!! EEEE!!!!!

Who is the driver sounding the horn for? No one knows. Because there is no one there to hear it. Except the driver. Is the driver sounding the horn for the driver? Like one reciting a prayer or a mantra to oneself in order to get in touch with one's innermost being? Is the automotive horn in India a form of spirited self-communion, like satsangs, bhajans and all-night jagrans?

At a busy intersection the red traffic light is on, halting movement in that direction. Or there's a traffic jam. Vehicles gridlocked, bumper to bumper. No one's going anywhere. No one can go anywhere. So what do the drivers, all the drivers do? That's right. They start blowing their horns PAAAW! EEEE!! PAAAA!!! And they don't stop blowing them until the red light changes to green in their favour, or the traffic jam unjams itself and things start moving again. 

Why do Indian drivers blow their horns at all times when there is no ostensible reason to do so - i.e., clear road - or when blowing the horn won't serve any purpose anyway, i.e., red light/traffic jam? And the reason of course is that Indian drivers have reinvented the automotive engine. 

In other places, the automotive engine is powered by the combustion of petrol or diesel which causes pistons to move and propel the vehicle. In India, the engine is directly connected to the horn, and it is the sheer decibel volume of the horn that powers the vehicle, be it truck, car or two-wheeler. The petrol or diesel which people have to put into their vehicles at great cost? A necessary, though expensive, subterfuge to keep the rest of the world from getting to know about our revolutionary reinvention of the automotive engine. India's reinvented engine works on horn power. If drivers don't use their horns, or use them insufficiently, their vehicles will stop moving. This is what causes traffic jams. And red lights. The answer to both of which is to make up the horn-deficit and blow your horn even louder and longer. This will cause the jam to unjam, the red light to change to green. PEEE! PAAAH!! POOOH!!!

Sorry, what did you say? Can't hear a word. All that horniness has driven us all stone deaf.

Pointing mistakes vs Helping to improve

Got this as a forward...

Once upon a time there was a painter who had just completed his course. He took 3 days and painted beautiful scenery. He wanted people's opinion about his caliber and painting skills. He put his creation at a busy street-crossing. And just down below aboard which read – “! I have painted this piece. Since I'm new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes in my strokes etc. Please put a cross wherever you see a mistake.”

While he came back in the evening to collect his painting he was completely shattered to see that whole canvass was filled with Xs (crosses) and some people had even written their comments on the painting. Disheartened and broken completely he ran to his master's place and burst into tears.

This young artist was breathing heavily and master heard him saying “I'm useless and if this is what I have learnt to paint I'm not worth becoming a painter. People have rejected me completely. I feel like dying” Master smiled and suggested “My Son, I will prove that you are a great artist and have learnt flawless painting. Do as I say without questioning it. It WILL work.”

Young artist reluctantly agreed and two days later early morning he presented a replica of his earlier painting to his master. Master took that gracefully and smiled. “Come with me.” master said. They reached the same street-square early morning and displayed the same painting exactly at the same place. Now master took out another board which read –“Gentlemen, I have painted this piece. Since I'm new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes in my strokes. I have put a box with colors and brushes just below. Please do a favor. If you see a mistake, kindly pick up the brush and correct it.” Master and disciple walked back home.

They both visited the place same evening. Young painter was surprised to see that actually there was not a single correction done so far. Next day again they visited and found painting remained untouched. They say the painting was kept there for a month for no correction came in!

Moral: It is easier to criticize, but difficult to improve! There are lot of people around us who just wait for an opportunity to critics us. Don't get carried away or judge yourself by someone else’s criticism and feel depressed. Be Yourself.

Don't text while driving!

Watch this video, pass it on to all your friends. So touching and naked.

Love you Dad

Though I have been driving over a decade, each time my dad sees me drive away, I see the anxiety in his eyes. Especially if it is a car. I know he waits for my call, to know I reached safe. He never calls unless my call doesn't come in the stipulated time, lest he disturbs me while driving. I try and tell him that I would be fine but the message doesn't hit the spot.

'You will know one day, when you get to be a dad' is his quip. May be, I will. Look at this video I found at Anxiety Index and you would know why your parents behave the way they do. Loved the ad. Love you Dad.

Get efficient

Got a car? Ever thought you could be the reason for the low efficiency? Here is what I found online. Covers the following points and was an interesting read.

• Check Tyre Pressure
• Lighten Your Load
• S-L-O-W D-O-W-N
• Do Fuel Quality/Types/Additives Help Mileage?
• Tune Your Engine
• Clean the Air Filters Regularly
• Keep the Windows Closed
• Clean Spark Plugs
• Don’t Be a Clutch-Driver
• Keep the Car in Showroom Condition

Built for hunting

Go right! Stop! You are going too fast! There is a bus ahead of you. Watch out!

Have you ever faced this from your pillion rider? My guess is you would have. If you have, then you would have explained that you have been driving for a long time and that you know all these things happen but the anxiety of the rider behind you is not relieved. You end up doing the same thing when some one else is driving and you are in the back seat. It is human tendency to comment and suggest. What is the solution? Is there an explanation for this?

Well here it is.

MEN are generally better than women on tests of spatial ability, such as mentally rotating an object through three dimensions or finding their way around in a new environment. But a new study suggests that under some circumstances a woman’s way of navigating is probably more efficient.

The theory is that the male strategy is the most useful for hunting prey; chasing an antelope, say, would mean running a long way over a winding route. But having killed his prey, the hunter would want to make a beeline for home rather than retrace his steps exactly. Women, by contrast, would be better off remembering landmarks and retracing the paths to the most productive patches of plants.

The research suggests that in certain circumstances women are better at navigating than men. Which might lend some comfort to a man desperately searching for an item in a supermarket while his exasperated wife methodically moves around the aisles filling the shopping trolley. He is simply not cut out for the job, evolutionarily speaking.

Want a simple explanation? Give him sometime and see how he drives. Either he would slow down(when you are riding with him) or you would get used to it. What say guys?

Happy Independence Day

What does Independence day mean to you?

All my childhood right from my home, school, college, friends and society I was told that it is to celebrate the great feat of showing the British the door and driving them away with nothing but non-violence and Satyagraha. Something that happened over fifty years ago. This was the reason why I could do what I am doing now sitting in my room comfortably blogging! I have food to eat, dresses to wear, a cover over my head and money in the bank. I can roam freely in my city and have an education, 15 bank accounts, 8 credit cards, bike, Internet, my parents have a great job and so on! All I need to do on an Independence day is to wake up late, as there is no office or college, brush late and keep watching TV for to avoid independence day special movies, chat with some unknown online friend, order a pizza with coke and when bored get a DVD (hold on I would order one, thank god for the independent India I have a phone and even the DVD rental guy has one!) and get back to sleep.

Or may be I could call up some of my friends to come over (I hate traveling on a holiday) and play a video game or watch some boring stuff on the idiot box while munching on Big Mac Burgers, sipping coke and watching MTV or some foreign channel! If bored I have my own collection of Bryan Adams, Jackson, Iglesias in my lappie which I can connect to my imported speakers to have an excellent feel of the thump! By evening we could order some junk food and spend chatting up about idiotic bosses, funny colleagues pulling each others leg, cursing the government for the power cuts, thanking Michael Faraday for inventing the generator (Did he?) until each one of us is tired and starts to snore and has to be sent home before they get too comfortable.

Or we can book a ground for playing cricket! Yes it's Independence Day dude! everything has to be booked in advance: movies, hotels, parlors, tourist plans, vehicles and even theme parks as its gonna be crowded to the hilt and spilling. Oh how long since we played cricket. Bharat scored his all time best score, some 18 runs of 24 balls, and was the man of the match! No he was not the last batsman, he opened the innings. Well, that he can critique Sachin , Saurav, Dhoni and advice BCCI, Ramakant Achrekar is a different issue. But on the field he is the best of us and you know what is the on-field experience. I think it is time for us to play this 15th! We can go to Ohri's in the evening and spend our evening there talking about our exploits and dreaming of 'representing India in the international arena' as Gandhi puts it! No this is the RJ not the 'dhotiwala' Gandhi. He has tatooes, lip and eyebrow piercings and has the f*** word permanently in his vocabulary. He has one good quality though which is that he conserves water; by drinking beer, of course. That seems to be a nice plan for the day! No bosses, no schedules, no targets, no assignments, no profs, no exams, no classes, no problems, no nothing! Only bliss, freedom, independence and masti.

No we don't care if a person dies every 3.6 seconds due to starvation all over the world (I can't feed all?), 36 crore Indians don't eat anything for the day (Good for them no need to enroll in any weight loss program or try very hard to achieve Kareena's Zero figure or Sharukh's Six pack), women are beaten, molested, killed, made to work hard, underpaid (I don't do it nor is it done to any of my friends or relatives. So why bother?). I don't care if people beat up each other, loot kill or die on the streets in some other state or some other colony or street (I am safe right). I dont care if children are malnourished, uneducated, illegally employed, beg on the streets and are traded like animals (Not mine and I don't do). I read this news everyday! So I don't care! I don't care if Mala's (my maid servant) daughter drops out of school as she couldn't afford the fees (its her bad luck), if some one dies in the traffic (Must have ignored the seatbelt! Thank God I am insured). I don't care if the prices rise (I have a decent salary and why the heck is government doing anything about it?). Pass on the Bangalore times, lemme check the latest fashion fad and I should add a reminder in my new 16 GB iPhone 3G to pick it up from Garuda tomorrow! What should I do otherwise? Pick up some Tee from my 500 odd old ones stuffed in the cup board? BTW I should give the green one to Mala's elder son on Independence day! He has been nagging me for an old dress for long. You know what I like this one. I bought it when I was in my 10th class in 1996. I should send a mail to my boss justifying why I should get my hike this month mildly threatening that I would quit unless it is hiked. Hey I should also check my email and ensure that I forward an email to everyone in my address book a nice greeting wishing them happy Independence day!

Oh! I should check where I have kept the small trinket of Indian tricolor that I have been saving for the last 4 years. I remember using it on 24th January (was it 24th or 26th?) when all my office colleagues were going 'Ooh' and 'Aah' when I pinned it to my Lee jacket, right over my heart. I don't want to buy one this year, it has become costly! Who would pay 7 Rs for the trinket? I am not a politician! BTW, I have to feign illness tomorrow and go without makeup. There is some blood donation camp at work and they want some free donors. C'mon I am not succumbing to the Dracula (Pranitha)!

Lemme tell you about Pranitha here. She is sick, emotionally depressed and such not-a-fun aunty types who doesnot have any sense of humour. She spends all her time reading some stupid books, writing silly articles about child care, women health, litreracy and stuff. Dracula is what we call her. She organizes all the blood donation camps, comes around with a box slit in the top begging for alms (collecting funds) for some stupid child's operation in some government hospital, or to pay some dropouts fees and so on. Though I like to relieve my purse of all unwanted coins (It gets heavy with all the coins in it) its her peaceful, smiling face that hurts me a lot. She wears shabby clothes (must have been from the Egyptian Mummies), no make up, no perfume and so on! You know what? She oils her hair and comes to office that way! You should never go shopping with her or for that matter anywhere! All the beggars, hawkers on the street know her and mill around her calling Pranitha didi and flash their unkempt, diseased, shabby, dirty teeth and hold her hand. She thinks it is cool!!! Yaak! She even visited a mental asylm on her b'day and treated all the dumbos there, spent her full evening there! Gimme a break. After all what all changes can she make? Can she change the whole of India? Can she eradicate poverty, unemployment, disease, pain from all the opressed? C'mon, she is not a Gandhi or Bose. The funny part is she think so! She thinks if all the employed in India help 2 poor people in a year all poverty would be eradicated by 2020! Some vision though! I hate her. We hate her. Every one I know hates her. So she must be having a lot of stupid plan for this 14th and15th. I should make a conscious effort to skip her this time. I couldn't do it last year. She was wearing a white cotton sari and had a flag on chest and washed! her hair and was so so cool, beautiful that everyone just followed her to the Draculian table to give blood. Some said she looked soo peaceful and happy! May be yes. She always is! I can be fooled once, but not again.

So unless you are like this old aunty Pranitha and want to waste your time helping someone, doing something for the country stuff? chill out and plan to have a blast and tell me what you did on this Independence day! As for me, I would rock , blast and have a hell of a time from morrow till Sunday!

Happy Independence Day!